Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory. Lasts forever (dangarion) wrote,
Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory. Lasts forever
dangarion

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Life can be so confusing...

It really does suck sometimes when you care about someone so much and it just doesn't work out in the wonderful bf/gf relationship sort of way. The story starts at the end of last year. After months and months of on and off dating, and a friends with benefits relationship, my close friend Michelle and I decided to be no more then just great friends. (this was over 3 months ago, so it isn't anything current). I was just reminiscing since I was talking to her on the phone. She really is a great person and I love her and care for her a lot. Not in the bf/gf sort of way, but as in the great friends sort of way. It is because of me that it never worked out. I couldn't make up my mind about what I wanted in our relationship, and I couldn't figure out if I wanted to take it into the bf/gf level. On three different occasions I broke her heart, saying let's be together and then just as quickly deciding that it just wasn't going to work out. It one provided different results when it came to her reactions. The first time she acted like it wasn't a big deal and that it didn't affect her a single bit. That actually hurt me. How could you have such strong feelings about someone yet be so willing and easily able to let it go without any resistance, especially this person being the first person you have ever really opened up to? We continued to hang out and although we weren't bf/gf we almost acted as if we were. We would cuddle, and hang out a couple nights a week. We we saw movies she would sit by my side with my arm around her and cuddle. It was nice... But I knew it wouldn't work out more then that because of me. Although I could see myself being happy with her, I just couldn't see her as being the person I have wanted to spend my life with. After a couple more months we decided to take the step again in our relationship and after about 10 days I once again called it off. This time she could tell it was coming, she first acted like it didn't hurt her but she opened up eventually told me she was in love with me and we decided to take some time so we could get our feelings and emotions in control after my latest screw up. After about a month or so we started our friendship again and kept it mainly at that. We did that for about 2 months up until about July and decided that although we were not going to be in a relationship with one another we were both consenting adults and decided that we were going to have sex. We had both wanted to know what it would be like with the other. So after a couple weeks of discussion we did what we had discussed. It was enjoyable for us both, and we continued out with our friendship. Slowly we started to get into the kinda sorta but no really bf/gf mode were we would almost act like we were together but there wasn't that commitment part to it. I spent a couple late nights in her room watching movies, and it just felt so right and we discussed about us being together and trying again. I really wanted it to work and we talked about it for at least 2 hours. The look on her face was so loving and I probably will never forget it. I'm not sure what it is with me and her, but when I was with her, I couldn't be happier anywhere else, maybe it was just the way she made me feel because of the way she felt for me. I'm not sure. But after I got home that night I thought long about her and I. I came to the conclusion that although I would be happy with her, that I would some time down the road end up hurting her because she wasn't the person I wanted to be with. It hurt me a lot to decide this because I really do love her as a friend, and at the time I think I was falling in love with her. But for so long I have thought up the girl I had wanted and she doesn't fit that. I tried to change and accept her but I just couldn't. It hurt to finally come to the realization that she wasn't the one for me. I know it hurt her more then myself and will never forget how much I hurt her. But ever after the mistakes I made throughout our friendship she has continued to forgive and love me for the great friend that I have become. Now with the tough time she is going through I hope I can repay the favors she has granted me with the beautiful friendship, love, and trust she has given me this past year.

I'm happy that although I really screwed up that you were willing and able to forgive me. Thank you Michelle.

I love you =)
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