Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory. Lasts forever (dangarion) wrote,
Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory. Lasts forever
dangarion

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Story Time...

Well it's late and I figured I would share with everyone. For those of you that don't know about my first "serious" relationship. Here is the long and elongated version.

My first real girlfriend was J(I will just use the initial to respect her). I basically met her online. I used to work for a large local Orange County computer BBS named Prism. Every once in awhile we had get together and members of the BBS would meet up and get together. I had been talking to J for a couple weeks and we decided we would go to one of these functions together. So began my first true serious dating experience. Things started quick for the both of us physically. After about 3 weeks my parents were out of town and I invited her to stay over. We slept on the couch in the living room and fooled around for a couple hours. It was more then she had ever done with a guy and close to the same for me with a girl. After about 1 month of dating we decided to make official and consider ourselves in a serious relationship. Although she had a number of emotional problems due to sexual abuse and incest that she had dealt with up until a month or so before we started dating. She also was going through a relapse in stomach cancer. (Please understand that the problems she was dealing with may or may not be true, J was manic depressive and also had psychotic episodes. My family and friends believe she may have made up a majority of these stories for the attention. While I did believe J at the time more and more thinking has made me believe some things she told be were false). Her father that sexually abused her was in his 60's and also could barely walk. He did not seem like a man that had the strength to do what she said he had numerous times. Also I never went with her to the doctors while she was having treatment for her cancer. She did seem to have chemotherapy side affects with extreme sickness and tiredness but she did not show other side affects such as loss of hair or a general flushed look from chemo. But anyway since I was in the relationship and falling "in love" I ignored any signs of fallacy. In our relationship emotions ruled everything. Throughout the cancer treatments we weren't sure if she would go back into remission or what would happen. I think it was partly because of this that we got so close so quickly emotionally. As for physically things started fine but quickly deteriated to me being lucky if I we even made out. After about 4 months of dating her parents sold their house and while she was waiting for HUD to assist her with getting an apartment my family offered to let her live at our house. J would sleep in my sister's old bedroom and on the weekends we would sleep together in my bed. Throughout the entire time she lived here 4 months we had a total of about 4 intimate times while we were in bed. Normally ending up with me frustrated because of one thing or another. But I understood and accepted this because of what she had been through. I wanted to be there for her and help her through the pain and emotions she was going through. Now J and I never were afraid to show the affection we had for one another verbally. We constantly told each other that we loved the other. By the time she had moved in she had once again gone in remission. She was not seeing anyone to help with the abuse she had been subjected to for years while living at home. In January 98 she got her own place. Things seemed to be going good. We had experienced what it was like to live with one another and we seemed closer then ever although I was still as frustrated intimately. I wasn't expecting sex, in fact at this time I was still a virgin, but I did want what I gave in the relationship. Unfortunately I was the only one that ever gave but I accepted it because I wanted her to be happy and I figured it would all end up all right. In Feb. J and I looked at engagement rings. Although we weren't really looking on getting engaged, we did talk about eventually getting married. It still seems to be about 1 year away till we ever made any formal announcements. As she got settled into her new place I would stay over mostly every weekend or so. It was really great sleeping with someone in your arms. Also kissing them goodnight and when you left in the morning telling them you loved them. Little did I know in April she would call me while I was at work and tell me she needed me to come over. It was a Friday night and she had to talk to me. She was crying on the phone. I thought the worst... A relapse in cancer? Maybe she had a sexual disease from something that had happened to her. She was going to a mental hospital because of problems she was having... As I raced to her place my mind was spinning. She had me sit down on her couch and went on to tell me she wanted to break up. She had fallen out of love for me. I cried for the next 3 hours, while she cried along with me, holding me in her arms. I had never been hurt so much in my life after "thinking" I was so happy and that things were going great with us. Although at the time it devastated me and hurt so much, I now realize that I was going no where in that relationship and if I had been in it much longer it would have actually ruined me. Just about 2 months after her and I broke up, maybe even less, she started to date a friend of hers that she started hanging out with a little before we broke up. That is when I really noticed I was better off out of the relationship we had and that it was time for me to move on. She was happy and since I did love her as a friend I was happy for her. I moved on although inside I was still hurting from what had happened.

I learned a lot in that relationship, and although I am happy we broke up when we did, I still do not regret the time I spent with J. I truly loved her, although I realize I wasn't really in love. I thought I was at the time. J will always hold a special place in my heart whether or not the stories she told me were true, because she was the first woman to ever love me for who I was and for what I was. She did treat me great and even with all the tough times and sadness within the relationship she did make me feel happiness more then I ever had before. I realize that is she was ever to read this she would probably hate me, but I told myself I would never hold back my honest and truthfulness when I write in this.

I hope the few of you that read this may understand me a little more and see where I am coming from when it comes to relationships. I know Doug knows just about the entire story, although maybe not in this much detail. Not many other people know this much about it though.

It's sleepy time... Goodnight
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