October 25th, 2000

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Still searching for that person...

I'm really just starting to feel like I'm never going to find someone to love. I'm only 2 months away from my 25th birthday. I will have lived what hopefully will be 1/3 of my entire life and I'm still have yet to find love. The longer this gone on the more hopeless it feels, and the more hopeless I feel I will ever find what I want so badly. I fear that I will die and never know what love is. That fear scares me deeply. Two of the things I fear more then anything else is dieing as well as dieing alone and never knowing love. I don't mean the kind of love my friends and family provide because I appreciate that. I mean the love that comes from the special person I am meant to spend the rest of my life with, and the love I will have from the family that my love and I create. But beside that I fear what happens after death... So much of me hopes and prays that it is like Western religion says. But the science side of me is afraid that if once I die it's all over and everything I lived for is basically worthless. What if after we die, that is it, there is nothing else? I know I'm not the only one that is afraid of this, and I know if I find that special person to be with I will probably feel better, but as long as I have the time to think about things like this it scares me. I know these are things other people fear and I know that there has to be some reason we are all hear, but it's hard to believe sometimes when so much evidence points away from faith and religion. I wasn't brought up with religion, my parents taught my sister and I Western religion morals and values (of course those could have easily been any other religion). I know I will worry less once I have that someone to spend forever with, I just hope that actually happens.

Why am I single? I really don't know, maybe I just expect to much. Maybe I really just think I deserve more then I should. Maybe I am really a jerk because I am looking for a girl that is perfect to me... When I say that I mean perfect in the sense that I have in my mind, not in the way that society portrays perfect. I have never once picked up on a girl... Never asked a girl to dance (at least one I didn't already know)... Never just allowed myself to get shot down in public... Although some of my friends would probably no agree, I'm very shy... I don't like groups, I am not big on being in public places where a lot of people are. I am more of a couple close friends kinda person. I like to spend time alone by myself... Now don't take that wrong I love going out, and I am much more into the whole group thing compare to how I used to be, but personally it doesn't do much for me... I have learned in my years that 50% of the people you meet are fake and not worth your time. At the same time I have met great people every now and then. But when it comes to meeting a girl it just is difficult, I either see them as someone that I feel is not approachable (as in they look like they would never date me), or I'm not at all attracted to them... It's really ironic how I think, I think I am a great catch, I have a great job, a car, I'm able to show my emotions, I think that although I could lose some weight I'm attractive, I come from a loving family, I know how to make a woman happy... (in more ways then one...heh), I am stable, and I have a great sense of humor; BUT whenever I see a girl that I think is cute I always think that she would never be interested in me. And since I never get picked up on when I go out, that just reinforces the way I feel... Just once I would like to have someone hit on me. Someone I was actually attracted to physically... And believe me I am physically attracted to a majority of women, I'm not that picky in that sense... I just read everything I wrote and I seem to be babbling about things... Oh well whoever reads this enjoy it...

I think it's bed time...

But before that I wanted to share another woman that I just think is amazing. Emma Caulfield from Buffy the Vampire Slayer is amazing... And I also have to add that the glasses she has in the second picture are great. I don't know what it is about glasses like those on some women, but her and Lisa Loeb can pull it off and do it amazingly well...



I will post another CD I own tomorrow... I need more friends to read this, I only have 4 people that read this... oh well...

current music: High on a Riverbed - Toad The Wet Sprocket
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