Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory. Lasts forever (dangarion) wrote,
Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory. Lasts forever

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One of the things that suck...

One of the things that sucks about having an online journal that close friends have access to is that I sometimes don't write about things. I don't write about things I fear, or really deep things at times... Because I'm afraid. Afraid that my friends might think I'm weird or something because of some of the things I think about. It's easier just writing to a group of people that really are just strangers. Because I don't have to look those stangers in the eyes the next time I see them after I write something deep in here and I don't have to answer their questions face to face like I would probably have to if my friends read this.

I don't have that liberty though because I have about 6 or 7 people that are friends that read this. The funny thing though is that I don't fear her reading it. I'm not really sure why, I guess it's because I can open up and tell her anything I'm thinking. True I can do that with my friends but it's just not something I'm always comfortable doing.

Take one of my fears, one that lots of people have. I'm completely frightened and fearful of dieing. It's something I think about more and more as I get older. Tomorrow could come and I wouldn't exsist anymore. Or maybe I will. I don't really know. Everything I love, everyone I love could be taken away from me and all I might know is blackness, or nothingness, or maybe hapiness. But I fear it nonetheless, because I fear the unknown of death. I'm scared that I will die and never know what love really is. What it's like to someone truely 100% dedicated to me and us. I'm scared that I won't be able to see the children I dream of having grow up, or even seeing my niece and nephew again. It can all just be taken away in one second by anything, a negligent driver, a maniac, an accident, something of my own doing. I won't know before it's already too late.

It's not that I'm obsessed of thinking about death and dieing, I don't think about it all the time, I would say the subject might cross my mind on a weekly basis. But is this typical? I know it's normal for people to think about it, but how often do the rest of you think these types of thoughts?

I've surrounded myself with wonderful people in my life. I'm so fortunate to have my family in my life, my parents have always meant the world to me. I get along pretty good with my sister now after childhood ended. My bro in law is a good friend besides family. I have a beautiful niece and nephew. My friends, my true friends mean a great deal to me. Although I don't always see them, I'm thinking about them all the time. I'll see something while I'm driving that reminds me of them or something like that. I am happy with my life. Very happy. But at the same time I'm missing the one component that I feel would complete my life. Maybe that's why I'm trying so hard with her. I don't really know. But I've just never clicked like this with someone ever. Not even with my ex or with Michelle. It's so different. She is this wonderfully nice person. Which is why I wish it works out. It's just sometimes it feels like I'm a horse and she's this carrot just out of reach from me. I keep trying to get it so I continue walking forward, but the farmer/rider/whatever on my back just keeps the carrot the same distance from me. I just want the carrot! Anyway, I seem to be rambling :). I go from talking about death to talking about finding "the one". Granted I don't know if she is even "the one", I just can't wait to get the chance to actually find out.

Does anything I write here make sense? :)

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