Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory. Lasts forever (dangarion) wrote,
Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory. Lasts forever
dangarion

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Where do I begin?

OK when I last left you all it was just before I was going to spend a night over at M's. I did, we had a great night. We cooked dinner and watched a movie. She kinda got bummed out after she got a phone call from a guy she had gone on a couple dates with and we decided to hit the bed early. First let me explain something... When M first told me she had gone on a couple dates with this guy, I was jealous, I didn't really know how to react. All of the sudden feelings and emotions starting running through my head and I just couldn't figure out what I was thinking or feeling... By choosing not to be with her, have I passed up the best thing I could have ever had? I talked to her about this, so I wrote her a letter and gave it to her... I'm not sure why, I kind of felt like I was being selfish telling her this after all that I had done in the past, but we tell each other everything and I felt I had to tell her. Basically what this did was set off a chain of events that brings us to today. We had a number of discussions about us, and each one ended with me saying I don't know, when it came to her and I. (and honestly I don't know). I'm scared, I'm afraid that no one will ever love me they way she did. They way she looks at me still is just so amazing. It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I don't want to lose that. I know that with someone new in her life I will. So since I stayed over we had talked and discussed things about us, without making any choice (since I didn't know what I wanted from us). I really was starting to feel things might be changing with myself and my thoughts about us being together. We hung out yesterday, and it was really nice. Spending time with one another was great, we took a nap together, and I did the one thing I didn't want to do at this time... I kissed her. I shouldn't have, and I realized that now, but I did. I just really wanted to, and with all my screwed up emotions and the threat of losing her, I got caught up in the moment. When I got home from work tonight she asked me to come over. So I went over and we hung out. Things really seemed good. I got to thinking while I was over there and I started to think about me and her being together. No matter how much I care for her I only see her as a friend. It's to difficult to explain why... (because honestly I don't know all the reasons). She is the most wonderful girl I have ever known and I love her, but no matter what I do I can't be in love with her. I tried to explain it to her the best that I can. She cried, and I held back the tears that were in my eyes. I want her to be happy, and I only feel I will hurt her, just like I did again today. We talked for about a hour. Damn... I do such stupid fucking things... I run with my emotions, in the past it used to end up hurting me, but now I am hurting someone else, that I care a lot about.

I don't know what I wrote here, but whatever it is, is basically what happened. I don't really feel like talking any more about it, because it really bums me out right now because I fucked up again...
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